Tujuh Malam Yang Amat Pendek Dalam Hidupku (work in progress)

It all started with a short sms from Che Nor at 7.51PM on Sunday 21/12/2008, a good ten days before the inevitable came.

"Ayah npk sgt letih".

I shot back at 8.01PM

"Sejak bila lagi?"

At 8.24PM Che Nor replied

"Lpas mgrib"

Called Che Nor at 9.01PM that night to ask for updates about Ayah. She informed that almost everyone is there for a bacaan yasin for Ayah's wellbeing.

Then next day 22/12/08, Che Nor sent another sms at 5.23PM

"Pd pgil dktr check ayah d rmh. Darah ok. Cm bdn ayh kring.Masuk air 2 botol"

On 23/12/08 at 8.10PM called Che Nor again for some updates about the status of Ayah's health.

Finally on 24/12 I decided to go home to Kota Bharu on the next day, after consulting Umi Long in Putrajaya. We concurred that whoever can make the trip back to KB in the shortest time possible should do so without delay while giving some space for others to sort out their matters in KL before eventually going back to KB.

MALAM PERTAMA 25/12

Luckily I managed to get a ride from Kamil, Che Yong's brother in law who was going back to Bachok on December 25. By 830PM on that Thursday, I was already in Kota Bharu. I inquired from Ma about Ayah's latest situation. He was asleep when I arrived.

After taking a short rest, I rushed to Pak Ri/Mak Su Mah's house at around 10PM. It was the wedding of their second child, Na, on that day.

When I reached back home again, it was quite late already so I didn't bother to greet Ayah or create any conversation with him.

MALAM KEDUA 26/12

Next day was a Friday. I greeted Ayah at his bed and told him that I arrived the night before. He just nodded without uttering any single word. Ayah seemed to be doing normal, except some occassional coughing with phlegm that he sometimes can spit it out. It rained quite heavily the whole day. I made some tentative arrangements to go back to KL Saturday morning since I already ran out of the medications for my stomach ailment that I have been struggling with since 7 weeks ago. Later I went to Masjid Kubang Kerian for Friday prayer. In the afternoon, Abang D and Kak Dah came. Later that night we have some more visitors coming.  I went to bed quite late at night, I guess around 2AM, after visiting the toilet a few times in a short span of a few hours. By 3 or 4 am I can hear some conversation outside between Ma and Ayah but I was too sleepy to wake up, having just managed to close my eyes a short hour ago. 

I decided to camp in for another day in Kota Bharu.

MALAM KETIGA 27/12

Saturday, Kailani arrived on an early morning flight from KL. Kak Ijah and her husband stopped over on their way back to KL en route to KK. Things seem to be quite normal, till sometime around noon when Ayah seems to be restless. Che Nor and family were out attending a wedding function somewhere, leaving only me, Kailani, Ijah and her husband Razi. I sms'ed Che Nor at 12.29PM:

"I think kena panggil dr utk remove phlegm dalam dada Ayah tu. His breathing is very heavy now"

She replied at 1.12PM:

"Ok. Ptg ni akan ambik dr zahar"

At around 3PM that afternoon, Ma made a remark to Kak Ijah "kalu boleh balik gak pakat2 panggil balik la,Ma tak tahu nak kata guano fasal ayah ni. Tapi Ma rasa tak lama dah Ayah nak balik".

For the first time since many many years ( I guess since 2005 when Ayah became terribly ill for the first time), I cried hearing that remark. Those concise words resonated through my head over and over. Luahan mata hati dari seorang isteri dan seorang ibu seperti Ma amat besar maknanya.

I knew that the inevitable is inching closer to our lives. Looking at the way Ma is responding to all sorts of requests and complains from Ayah since yesterday- very nicely, very softly, to the extent that she sometimes had to do three or four things at one time, and doing those things diligently without a single voice of desperation or even a sigh,  I have this deep feeling that the inevitable is indeed coming a little closer by the day.

Kak Ijah approached me asking some advice on what to do, since she was supposed to leave for KL that afternoon. I advised her to cancel her plan, and asked  her to inform her Umi to immediately come back. I also asked her to inform Che Su the same. And Ayah Ni who was in KK for a seminar. I told her that the remark from Ma, however short it is, contained immense meaning, because it came from someone who has lived with Ayah for so many years, and certainly has the wisdom or  "Kasyaf" that we may not see. When the four of us: Kailani, Ijah, Razi and me were huddled together in a short discussion later along the hallway, I repeated the same. Simple words from Ma that contains massive underlying meaning that should be taken very seriously. Period.

Che Nor called at 2.15PM asking about Ayah. I told her that Ayah is agak "gawat". She promised to quickly rush home.

At 2.38PM I called Che Yong instructing her to make arrangements for everyone to come back. Aie and boy were to take bas ekspres that night because the car won't fit all of them. Kakak was also informed to make the arrangement to come to KB from KT.

When Che Nor came home, she made the effort to call everyone concerned, including Ayah's sisters family ie Maksu Nab and Mak Teh. Within a few minutes the house was swarmed with people.

By 4PM almost every members of the family, including Ayah's nephews and nieces already arrived. Maksu Nab was also there.  

The sound of Quran recitation echoed through the walls of the house, while some others were busy in consoling Ayah and making him comfortable.

When we ajar Ayah to mengucap, he would keep repeating 

"Ayah tak lupa ayah tidak lupa"

Everytime I recited

لا اله الا الله

Ayah will not only say the same, but he  added two more:

 لا اله الا الله فى كل لمحة ونفس عدد ما وسعه علم الله

 لا اله الا انت سبحانك انى كنت من الظالمين

At 4.14PM I called Dr Zaid Hamzah, a friend who is an ENT specialist in Perdana Specialist Centre to ask for some help in getting the phlegm from Ayah cleared to help his breathing. He promised to check and call back. At 5.02PM he called saying that PSH does have some facility to remove the phlegm, but that service only opens during normal office hours.  

At one time, while he was gasping for breath, Ayah asked if "Asmawi ada ka". I overheard Ma and Kak Dah Ayah D telling him that I am there with all of them.

At 5.52PM I managed to speak to Umi Long who was frantically making some arrangements to come back to Kota Bharu with the family. It was much later that night that I knew they decided to drive back due to unavailability of flight to KB.

At 6.43PM I spoke to Dr Halim asking for his help to come and have a look at Ayah and possibly do some clinical intervention to improve his situation. He promised to come but cannot be sure of the exact timing because he was also recovering from a diarrhea at that time.

I consulted Ma and we decided to hold a solat hajat for Ayah's wellbeing.

Ayah seemed to be under control but still visibly weak.

The solat hajat was performed immediately after solat Isya, and was attended by about 50 people.  Ayah D's son, Ahmad, led the prayer while I performed the bacaan doa. It was later followed by bacaan Yasin, led by Ayah D. 

Ummi Long and Juraidah were on their way. My own family is coming by car after the dawn tomorrow. Boy and Aie already took the bus from KL to rush back to KB directly. I was also told that Junaidah was already on the road by the time we performed the solat hajat.  

After solat hajat, Dr Halim arrived with his wife. From his observation, Ayah is severely dehydrated, and he decided to give Ayah some fluid intravenously. Che Nor volunteered to go out to find the needed items. After about half an hour, she came back with everything needed and Dr Halim was kind enough to help with setting up the drip. He told us that the drip's function is to ease the suffering of Ayah, so that if the time comes for him to leave us, he will leave in a little bit comfortable situation, and not dehydrated.

During some discussion with Dr Halim, Ma did mention to him that Ayah's faeces has changed blackish, or "berak tahi gagak" as they say it. Another ominous sign for all.

I slept around 2AM that night.

MALAM KEEMPAT 28/12

Sunday things stablized a bit. Ummi Long and the entourage arrived after mid night. Junaidah and Rahim arrived in the wee hours of the morning. 

Tik arrived later in the afternoon. 

Dani was still not able to make it back to KL. The flights from KK to KL were all booked. Ma just said that if Allah so wishes, He will keep Ayah with us till everyone managed to come home, but if he chooses otherwise, then we are all ready and redha to accept the outcome.

Later in the afternoon, Che Nor suap ayah buah kurma habis satu biji. I was delighted to know about that. 

MALAM KELIMA 29/12

Monday: ayah baca quran ayat

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ ٱشۡتَرَىٰ مِنَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِينَ أَنفُسَهُمۡ وَأَمۡوَٲلَهُم بِأَنَّ لَهُمُ ٱلۡجَنَّةَ‌ۚ يُقَـٰتِلُونَ فِى سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِ فَيَقۡتُلُونَ وَيُقۡتَلُونَ‌ۖ وَعۡدًا عَلَيۡهِ حَقًّ۬ا فِى ٱلتَّوۡرَٮٰةِ وَٱلۡإِنجِيلِ وَٱلۡقُرۡءَانِ‌ۚ وَمَنۡ أَوۡفَىٰ بِعَهۡدِهِۦ مِنَ ٱللَّهِ‌ۚ فَٱسۡتَبۡشِرُواْ بِبَيۡعِكُمُ ٱلَّذِى بَايَعۡتُم بِهِۦ‌ۚ وَذَٲلِكَ هُوَ ٱلۡفَوۡزُ ٱلۡعَظِيمُ 

MALAM KEENAM 30/12

Tuesday ayah mintak klas mata. at night mintak kunci motor. Tuesday night Dani arrived. Che Nor suap ayah waktu maghrib dengan sibiji anggur ayah kata dah kenyang sebab dia dah makan banyak sebelum tu.

MALAM KETUJUH 31/12

Wednesday: petang: Plan nak buat solat hajat sebab ayah nampak makin gawat. Went out to buy santan etc untuk buat roti cicah gulai.

From 4 to 6PM, the two last hours were proven to be shortest ever time span in my whole life. Things moved so fast that i could barely fathom one thing before another thing came.

Ayah passed away around 6PM. I lost track of time, but I overheard Abe Long Ayah D saiid something like 6.04 while looking at his watch. 

It took me a while to come to a realization that Ayah is perpetually gone from us now.

Sewaktu hidupnya, Ayah suka dengar dikir barat Halim Yazid yang bertajuk "Bangkit Asal I". Ayah pernah menitiskan air mata bila mendengarnya.  Agaknya limpahan persamaan antara apa yang diluahkan oleh Halim dengan apa yang Ayah sendiri lalui dengan getir dalam hidupnya, menghibakan Ayah sebegitu rupa, hingga menitiskan airmatanya.